Here I sit in 2008, reviewing "Billboard" (1989), shocked that it's been 19 years since Joey Stefano and Chi Chi LaRue first worked for Catalina. In porn years, that's a whole different era, and aging isn't always completely kind to the past. Joey Stefano is the Lana Turner of gay porn, as glamorous, trashy and sexy as they came, but so rooted in his time one often wonders exactly what it was he did that was so entrancing (though, admittedly, one can see Joey more comfortably in a 21st Century "Link" extravaganza than Lana fighting Sharon Stone for the title of "Aging Sexbomb With The Least Taste And Talent" year after year). Compared to what the outrageously clever and resourceful Chi Chi has done in stretching every boundary and hole possible since 1989, "Billboard" almost seems quaint, but one watches this movie as a historical piece now and sees that the stars here are the reason for revisiting it, gorgeous hunks that should never be forgotten. No matter the style, no matter the limitations (and lack of Viagra), these guys will always remain true luminaries of gay porn. So, enjoy "Billboard" and then perhaps go enjoy "Madame X." History is filled with wonderful reminders of how we got to where we are now. Dated? Yes. Questionable hair styles? Sure. Awful music? Definitely. But wonderful nonetheless.
So, Jersey Joey (the accent gives him away) paints billboards. "The Van Gogh of Sunset Boulevard" as he's referred to by pal Adam Grant, is having trouble with his present creation. He just can't get the underwear model right (is anyone else thinking of the movie "Xanadu" right now or is it just me?). Adam, sporting hair so big it threatens to topple his head, thinks he can help Joey relax, so he goes over to massage his shoulders. Joey instantly plays along and it's as he's licking his way into Adam's acid-washed jeans that he reveals what made him a star: his face always looked completely calm, as if every sex act was so natural, but he had unbelievable energy -- it was all so easy and so pleasurable for him. He gobbles Adam's cock whole without breaking a sweat, his hair never moving as he bobs up and down on Adam. Upside down on the desk, he's still able to gulp fully, his arms reaching up to pull at Adam's nipples for a little extra pleasure. It ain't long before Joey's indefatigable ass is in the air and ready for Adam to bound on in. Joey moans as loudly as the screaming banshee tattoo on his arm promises as Adam carefully fucks him. Adam isn't as zesty as Joey's vocals make him out to be, but he sure as hell has simple access deep inside Joey, who is able to turn from missionary to doggy without Adam pulling out in a display that proves him one of the all-time bottoms. Joey rides Adam until cumming and then slips down to take a facial shot from Adam. Even cum can't tear through Joey's lacquered hair. Like I said, all glamour!
Fellow billboard painters Andrew Michaels, as cute a model as ever stood in front of a camera, and Michael Moore, a handsome Southerner with spikey hair, know boss Joey is upset. They don't have time to really discuss it, because in comes delivery boy Dusty, apparently on loan from a bus-and-truck tour of a Metallica cover band. He slips on some paint, so the three enter into a paint war. Suddenly, everyone is very messy and very quiet. They agree to clean up and that's where the sex starts. Andrew relaxes on a ladder with Michael sucking him while Dusty does Michael. Michael is the star blower here, oozing oomph as he deep-throats Andrew. He's also a pro at dealing at smoothing over late-80s wood problems. A fairly long suck chain leads into Andrew and Michael 69ing, Michael still radiating dominating talent, Dusty mercifully relegated to cheerleading on the sidelines and helping Michael suck now and then. The fucking finds Michael once again stealing the scene. He bottoms for Andrew, who socks him pretty hard. Again, Dusty has thankfully been relegated to a supporting role, getting blown by the bottom, letting the actual wiz players do their stuff. When Dusty has to be a part of the fucking, Michael gets to ride him. Dusty isn't hard, but once again Michael masks it and wriggles around his cock with abandon. Andrew cums, Michael shoots while riding Dusty, but I don't want to think about how long Andrew and Michael had to wait on set for Dusty to finally pump out some jism.
During the preceding scene, tall lanky Lon Flexxe (they don't have porn names like that anymore, do they?) spied the trio, and goes to report back to one of my all-time faves, Chris Stone. Chris had a chiseled immovable face before Botox and nobody ever sported a tan better than this Latin hottie, the George Hamilton of gay porn. Chris has heard that having a guy suck your cock feels great, and is willing as long as Lon sucks first. Off come the one-piece paintsuits and down goes Lon. Chris' body is mouthwateringly perfect, just acres of tight muscles on top of each other. His blond-flecked hair (also held in place by mousse so tight he could anchor the news from a hurricane zone an still look snappy) gleams under the light as he enjoys Lon's oral play briefly before Lon insists on a return suck. Lon's massive cock gets much harder and Chris has fun trying to scarf it down. Lon tries again to get Chris fully hard, but that doesn't happen until Joey wanders into the scene with no explanation. Bringing his magic to the action means immediate spark and Joey has both men at their hardest when he kneels in front of them to go back and forth with his ferocious mouth. Joey and Chris' double-teaming of Lon is the oral highlight of the movie. Naturally Joey plays bottom, sandwiched between Lon in his ass and Chris in his mouth. As Chris moans in Spanish, Joey sucks him beautifully, though Lon has some trouble keeping hard inside Joey. As long as he stays in deep, you don't notice it anyway. Chris, who also has an ass that begs for fucking, sucks Joey as Lon fucks him, and Joey is in full rapture there, so evidently enjoying all the great erotic feels. "What great workers I got here," Joey coos as his employees work him over. Kudos to Chi Chi's camera for getting as close as it does. Joey dots Chris' tanned chest with his cum and then licks it all up. Lon's shot misses Joey's asscrack by a hair and then Chris shoots on Joey's face, which we know he loves. Okay, so the dicks aren't hard and the scene is choppy, but it's mighty hard to resist gods like Joey and Chris sharing a scene.
Chris Ramsey arrives at the studio to fix the cooler. The hot and cold water are all mixed up. He has to fix it shirtless, so Andrew soon drops his clothing to show Chris "how we cool off here." Andrew then takes the entire giant water tank (the ones no one in your office can ever lift) and pours it over oiled Chris. Chris does the same, both guys careful never to get the water anywhere near their hair, but with wet undies, it's sexy! Chris nibbles his way to Andrew's cock and gleefully sucks. Chris' eyes roll back in his head when Andrew goes down on him. Andrew's luscious thick lips look ideal wrapped around Chris' hard-ish dick. Four scenes into the movie we get our first rimming action, with Chris very briefly licking Andrews ass before letting Andrew fuck him. Andrew power drills him, finally displaying some of the fierce energy the tops in this movie need! Serious overbite going, Andrew spurts a nice load onto Chris' stomach and then Chris finishes.
Joey is at home when there's a knock at the door. Robed, he goes to answer it, and it's Vic Summers, the model he's been trying so hard to paint. "What are you doing here?" Joey asks. "Adam sent me," Vic says forcefully as he dive bombs to lock lips with Joey. How this plot twist happened, I have no idea, but Vic, in his carefully ripped jeans (from top to bottom, mind you), displaying yet another head of big mullet hair that couldn't be moved a leaf blower (and rather comically dominates his tiny facial features), is obviously there to be Joey's inspiration. All Joey needs is a cock to be happy, so he's sucking down Vic without even taking off his robe. Taking off ripped late-80s jeans was a long process, but once everyone is finally naked, Joey can work unencumbered, popping his ass in front of the camera so Vic can grab at it and voraciously suck it. Joey gets every dick hard and then manages to blow every inch. Okay, Vic is so turned on by Joey he doesn't complain when Joey runs his fingers through Vic's hair. That's lust in "Billboard." Of course, Vic has his finger buried in Joey's ass at the same time, so you could probably get him to clean out your attic for a chance at that rare pleasure. After finger-fucking Joey, Vic becomes the first man in the movie to spend time sucking Joey's cock, letting the star relax a bit and be worshipped for a change. Joey decides to show off for Vic and rams a giant dildo into his ass, so far that I was afraid he wouldn't be able to get it out. Oh, and he's deep-throating Vic as he so casually dildo-fucks himself! Come on, there was only ever one Joey Stefano; porn stars of a later age can take bigger dildos, but he was a pioneer! Vic gets to fuck Joey. It takes him mere moments to cum, but he's soon hard again and Joey is sitting and riding on him. Vic gives Joey a fun fuck and when Joey cums, he insists, "we can't waste it" and licks it all back up.
In the end, Joey is back in the studio, wearing biking shorts and a T-shirt off the shoulder (in case you needed one last reminder that we were still in the 80s), finally able to put the finishing touches on his billboard painting of Vic ("Xanadu" yet, anyone?).
Okay, okay, so the editing is choppy and the dicks are floppy. Okay, so the sound never really matches where the noises should be. Okay, so no one was ever able to play Henry Higgins to Joey's Eliza to get him to speak proper English, but it was the 80s and it was an era of fun. Porn wasn't as serious as it is now (in 2008, when even the comedies are serious business), and these guys seemed to be having fun! Hell, all Joey Stefano ever needed was a naked man in front of him and he took care of the rest, so much so that all of the giggly and goofy bits recede. All Lana Turner ever needed was a set of Jean Louis gowns and no one ever noticed a flaw in her work. That's star power, friends, and that's why revisiting past hits is so necessary!
DVD features: Chapters; cum-shots chapter; PSA ("Wrap It Up"); and no regional coding (playable worldwide).
A DVD Review by Brent Blue
