Groucho Marx once said: "I'd never belong to any club that would have me as a member." Well, Groucho, how about this one? I can't imagine any man (and some lesbians) who wouldn't want to qualify as a Big Dick Club member. No pun intended, of course.

I'm no size queen, but I do love a big dick, and with every cast member here appropriately sports a huger-than-average cock. This is particularly true of the casts' center "piece," the unbelievably well-hung Ralph Woods. All in all, this production is a meat lover's extravaganza, directed with great ability by Chris Steele, who just seems to hone his craft further with each successive effort.

But back to Ralph: he's huge. He's gargantuan. He's enormous. There aren't adequate adjectives. Let's just say that most guys seeing Ralph's cock fully erect and heading their way would run away screaming like little girls. Not so for cutie-pie Duncan Princo, who not only takes on Ralph as a challenge, he actually has a great time doing it. Duncan first encounters Ralph at the Big Dick Club, on his very first visit there. Before he gets a gander at Ralph's hose, though, Duncan questions the membership of the club, who show him their credentials immediately. Let's just say there is no need for key cards at this particular establishment.

It's a little surprising that a club with such an enticing name has so few men hanging around it, but let's face it, they do have a pretty stringent door requirement (now there's a job most of us would gladly take on a voluntary basis: bouncer at the Big Dick Club). As if to further emphasize its enormity, Ralph's cock is only seen through a glory hole in the first scene. Even though Duncan can't even get his hand around its girth, he drops to his knees and dives on it, working Ralph's foreskin back and forth over the head, stroking the shaft with one hand while his mouth gives it the wet homage it deserves. Trevor Knight kneels beside the action and murmurs encouragement as Duncan works on Ralph's pole (not that he seems to require any), and Ralph digs his cock out of his jeans just before he blows a load while sucking away heroically. As soon as Ralph's cock has shot a creamy blast, Duncan is shown the door and told to come back in a week.

But Duncan, having had a taste, wants the whole enchilada, as it were. While phoning friend Damon Phoenix and describing the night at the club, Duncan asks if Damon is jacking off (he is). Then, after a geyser-like blast of cum, Damon says no (well, not anymore, anyway!).

Later, in the shower, Duncan encounters his roommate's boyfriend, Brad Star, taking a leak. But their conversation is cut short when his roommate sticks his head in and calls Brad to bed. Brad doesn't hesitate (neither would I), because Pierre Fitch is the roomie. Pierre's trademark hunger for dick is still very much in evidence here, and he gives Brad a rousing blowjob and ball-licking to warm things up. Brad reciprocates, slurping on Pierre's uncut dick while Pierre pets his tight, puckered butthole like the pampered pussycat it is. The scene's assplay is the high point, starting with showing Pierre's hole splayed open and pronged by a huge dildo, followed by Brad replacing the dildo with his real-life meat. Pierre is almost as hot to hear as to watch, and he provides lots of aural pleasure throughout the action. The tables then turn and it's Brad who's on the receiving end, with Pierre driving into his ass from underneath. Brad loses it while Pierre continues to piston upward, and then he gifts Pierre with a hand job to finish him off.

Still the catalyst for hot sex everywhere, Duncan then appears at the gym just in time to see heartthrob Roman Heart put the moves on his heavy-hung workout buddy Mike Roberts. Mike's tight body and chiseled profile are definitely assets, but his cock is even more remarkable, a thick tube of uncut dick that flares slightly in the middle, providing the perfect plug for dreamy Roman's accommodating throat. Following a short bout of tongue-fucking, where Roman delves between Mike's lightly furred asscheeks, Mike bends Roman over the changing bench and plows him from behind. As usual, Roman is a delight to watch, not only for his practically-perfect-in-every-way ass, but also for his loud sex noises and unparalleled enthusiasm about getting fucked. The finale has Mike drenching Roman's balls with his load, quickly followed by Roman spewing all over his thigh while he bites down on one of Mike's nipples (which are, by the way, quite edible).

While Duncan makes plans to return there, things are rockin' at the Big Dick Club. Barrett Long drives into Matthew Mayfair's mouth with his massive uncut missile, and Trevor and Jason Crew are in a holding pattern, waiting to touch down at the back of Matthew's throat. Then, Blake Stein shows up, in what turns out to be great timing. Blake takes Matthew's place and gets on his knees with a lineup of man meat in his face that is daunting, to say the least. Blake is anything but, and he shows remarkable fortitude in the cocksucking sequence. But he is even more impressive in what follows, a gang fuck where is passed around on a turntable for whoever wants a shot at his ass. This is a sizzling orgy scene in the great Falcon tradition, and although the rest of the scene is great, the highlight of the action is Barrett fucking Jason. Jason takes Barrett's pole like a real man, first from behind and then missionary-style.

But it is Barrett's cum-shot that seals the deal, proving that his cock not only looks like a fire hose, it also has the same capacity and trajectory as one. Barrett ups the ante with enviable control over the shot, he slows down the delivery of each spurt so that he can actually aim it where he wants to go. (So amazing is this performance that it earns a place in the DVD extras menu.)

In the finale, Duncan gets his second shot at Ralph, all of him this time. The scene builds nicely, starting with Ralph going down on Duncan's sizeable cock, which teasingly keeps Ralph's monster out of the spotlight -- because when it shows up on screen, it's impossible to focus on anything else. For a cock that is so huge, it's even more of a wonder because it stays rock-hard, with absolutely no evidence of flagging -- ever. I am in awe of Duncan, too, first because he is so very adept at doing his best with Ralph's endowment orally (probably not more than an actual third of Ralph's cock ever makes it into his mouth at any given time -- it's just that large). Second, my friends, Duncan expertly takes Ralph's in his ass, which, frankly, must be seen to be believed. This is no ginger, tender fucking, either, Ralph pulls no punches with the force of the fuck, and it is one of the most astoundingly heavy-duty fuck scenes ever.

At the end, Duncan, who has undergone the equivalent of an Ironman competition for bottoming, sprays his load all over his torso and then watches as Ralph unloads on his chest, the scene fades with Ralph's huge prong arching over Duncan's chest. This scene is so good that even my butt was sore after watching it. But then, I tend to over-empathize.

DVD features: Chapters; behind-the-scenes footage (Bruce Vilanch clowning with the cast -- not, unfortunately, in Edna Turnblad drag); profile (Roman Heart); a cum-shot of the century still gallery; game ("Name that Big Dick"); interviews (Pierre Fitch, Ralph Woods, Trevor Knight); trailers ("Up All Night," "Beefcake" and "Spokes III"); and no regional coding (playable worldwide).

A DVD Review by Martin Cox

Falcon's latest release, The Big Dick Club, is not only about guys with awesome endowments but also about guys who are obsessed with such things. As such, it is a glorious paean to the size fixation. There is not a weak link in the cast of 12; the sexual action is torrid; the videography is right on the mark; and the editing is brisk. Comprised of seven scenes (two solos, four duets and a group free-for-all), the film has been directed by Chris Steele, and it is certainly his best behind-the-camera effort thus far.

The narrative (from a neat, lean screenplay by Ross Cannon) centers on an elfin newcomer, Duncan Princo, who is handed a flier on a street in San Francisco. The handbill invites him to The Big Dick Club, whose meetings are held at a private downtown loft. Once there, he is a bit intimated by the vast array of major meat and by the especially constructed booth-with-glory-hole at one side of the room, but when informed that "If you're gonna stay, you gotta play," he is soon on his knees in front of it.

Almost at once, an enticingly extravagant erection slips through it and into his eager mouth. An uncut donkey dick, it is fantasy come to life. Although Princo never sees who is on the far end of this remarkable rod, he anxiously begins to service it. He is a fine cocksucker, and though he can't begin to take the whole thing, he makes a valiant, spit-soaked effort to do so. Here, as throughout the film, great emphasis is placed on foreskin play, and Princo milks every drop out of the anonymous cock before leaving.

Back home, he shares the details of his adventure (in a split-screen phone conversation) with a buddy, baby-faced Damon Phoenix. Waxing ecstatic at some length, Princo admits that he is already planning a return to the club and that his goal is to get himself fucked by that cock. All this graphic talk soon brings Phoenix off in quick arcs of spooge, but Princo is content just to fantasize about the cock of his dreams.

At the gym the next day, Pranco continues to contemplate the cock that got away but is soon distracted by two other heavy-hung gym buddies, blond Brad Star and brunet Pierre Fitch. The thoroughly tattooed Fitch and the tough-talking Star make quite a pair, effortlessly shifting control back and forth during the prodigious cocksucking. Next, Star loosens up Fitch with a dildo before pounding him with all the force of a jackhammer. A consummate top, Star then shifts gears and, in a surprise move, impales himself on the supine Fitch's towering erection. Both prove eminently versatile, and both deliver streaming money shots (Star's while plugged) before the quick fadeout.

Still at the gym, Pranco watches another pairing, the ever-popular Roman Heart and his equally well-hung pal, Mike Roberts (a tradey brunet). As they strip to shower, Heart takes a look at his naked buddy, noting, "I didn't know you had that hangin' between your legs." And if that isn't a shlong cue, what is? Heart, as always, is a gifted oralist, with lips in perpetual motion and a seemingly bottomless throat. Though Roberts never reciprocates, he does provide some heavy-duty face-fucking and urges Heart to tongue-drill his ass. The fucking is equally one-sided, though Roberts tops with energy and skill. Even though Heart is usually at his best in flip-flops, he here bottoms enthusiastically in two positions and explodes while chewing on Roberts's right nipple.

The next sequence, back at the club, allows five other exorbitantly endowed members to flaunt their wares. (Princo arrives but sits this one out, waiting for his Dream Dick.) The legendary Barrett Long has the most colossal tool of the lot, followed in close order by veterans Trevor Knight and Jason Crew and newcomers Matthew Mayfair and Blake Stein. Sleepy-eyed blond Mayfair and crewcut Stein do most of the sucking but neither manages to completely sword-swallow any of the others. (Who could?)

Soon, Mayfair and Knight are taking turns skewering Stein on a man-sized lazy Susan that spins his ass from one to the other. All three fire off notable loads and then turn center stage over to Long, who wastes no time in easily stuffing Crew's ass with his stupendous staff. The amazing Crew remains hard and happy throughout the battering; the stone-faced Long remains stoic, his swinging balls more animated than his countenance. But it is Long who delivers the best pop shot of the film, an eight-spurt fusillade so amazing that it is replayed and measured in a DVD bonus feature.

After watching Knight demonstrate "how big dicks come," the still unfulfilled Princo leaves the club, only to run into a stranger on the street. When he confesses that he is "looking for someone," the stranger replies, "I wish you were looking for me." In a whisk, they are in a big double bed, and the pick-up (lean, cute Ralph Woods) is devouring Princo, kissing, caressing, sucking, deep-throating and playing foreskin games. Then it is Princo's turn. When he opens Woods' fly, out sails that monster from the glory hole. All the ecstatic Princo can manage to say is, "I know you..." before he gobbles it down. Princo services him with even more enthusiasm than before, slathering his balls and reveling in a double-time face-fucking before he throws his legs in the air to be rimmed and ravished. He has no trouble taking every inch of Woods' wood (and there are a good many inches to be taken) in two positions before both drop their loads. It is a satisfying (if a bit abrupt) conclusion to the film.

According to an old saying, every gay man is either a size queen or a liar, and if that's true, The Big Dick Club is sure to please damned near everyone. It's certainly Falcon at its best.

- Jerry Douglas